The D of E Incident
by fierygladers
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin: the boys partake in their bronze D of E expedition, which is complete with mishaps and Mountain Dew, arguments and ass-mar. What they thought was going to be a fun adventure quickly spirals into a nightmare...


**A/N: I have literally gone from writing an angsty post island fic to this piece of shit so have fun reading it**

* * *

"Alright, the first thing you're going to do is get into groups." called the blue-jacket-wearing, slightly-bored-looking instructor.

Ralph immediately turned his head and grinned at his rugby teammates: Jack, Roger, and Maurice, who smiled back. He scooted over to them. _This ought to be great_ , he thought, _we'll get through it no problem_.

"I'm actually so excited." said Ralph, and he really meant it. What could be better than hiking and camping with his friends, as well as the change from busy, bustling London to the fresh, rural countryside? In fact, he had been so ready to take on this challenge that he had handed his slip in to the school office the day after the letters were handed out. His friends nodded and murmured in vague agreement.

The instructor came over to them a few minutes later, two boys trailing behind him. "Lads, is it alright if these two join your group? They've not found a group yet, and I thought they could go with you, seeing as there's only four of you. Oh, and you're group B." he said, thrusting a bit of paper at them, so they could write their names down.

The two boys sheepishly emerged from behind the instructor and Ralph could hear the others sigh audibly, although he knew why. Piggy and Simon. Of course they were the rejects, _of course_ they were put into Ralph's group. Piggy was fat and asthmatic, as well as being the victim of bullying and numerous (not to mention cruel) weight jokes. Ralph, along with Simon, was one of the few people that showed him kindness. Simon was a sweet boy, but was very thin and always fainted. Sports day? Fainted. Dissections in biology? Fainted. Sex ed? Fainted. The poor boy could hardly do anything without passing out.

"Why have _you_ even bothered to sign up?" Jack sneered at Piggy after they had written their names on the sheet, a clear look of disgust on his face.

" _Jack_." hissed Ralph, earning a " _What_?" mouthed by Jack.

"M-my auntie made me do it. Thought it would be a good experience. I tried to tell her, what with my asthma and all, but she insisted I'd be alright, as long as-"

" _Okay_ , we get it."

"Jack!"

The instructor's voice cut through the hum of voices that passed through the school hall. "Right, so next you're going to learn how to plan your route. Groups A to D, you'll be with Sarah, and groups E to H, you'll be with me."

Ralph listened attentively whilst Sarah told them the most practical ways to plan their routes, as well as the rules about taking breaks and getting to checkpoints. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Simon and Piggy diligently taking notes, Jack and Roger sat with their chins propped up on their hands and looking bored, and Maurice staring into space. At least some of them were paying attention.

* * *

The next day, after much persuasion from Ralph, the boys met in the library and began to sort out their route. Naturally, Ralph had already printed out the route cards and map and had a bit of an idea in his head about the route.

"Sorry I'm late." muttered Jack as he stormed in ten minutes late, getting a displeased glare from Ralph. "What? I had to go to a prefect meeting! I am _head boy_ after all."

"Simon, Roger, and Maurice are all here on time and I believe they're prefects." said Ralph.

"Yeah well I'm here now, so let's just get on with it." sighed Jack.

The route planning started off pretty good. They had managed to time their breaks really well, they had reached all the checkpoints so far, calculated their bearings with the help of Ralph's compass, and Piggy had begun to sort out the equipment and who would carry what. It was almost perfect. Until Jack cleared his throat and said: "Someone's got to be in charge. Y'know, a group leader."

"I don't mind-" started Ralph, but broke off, gaping at Jack, who had said the same thing at exactly the same time.

"Well, it can't be both of us." Jack said, getting a little flustered. "Who wants Ralph to be the group leader?"

Seeing everyone but Roger put their hands up for Ralph, Jack's faint pink blush deepened to scarlet, nearly blotting out his freckles.

" _Right_. I see how- fine... okay then." he huffed, stuttering.

"Anyway, before I was interrupted, I was saying that maybe we should go along this path instead? I mean, the contour lines show that it's less steep than the other footpath, and it will take a bit more time, but- What now, Jack?" Ralph snapped as he caught Jack whispering something to Roger, who smirked.

"Oh, nothing. You just carry on, seeing as you're the _group leader_."

"Is this about the fact that I was chosen as team captain for rugby and not you? And then this? Stop acting like a child. Anyway, it's not like you're severely deprived of leadership roles, _head boy_." Ralph said.

Jack narrowed his eyes at Ralph and said no more as the rest of the group sat in uncomfortable silence.

Simon piped up. "M-maybe we could all share the role equally? Like each person is a leader at different times of the day..?" he trailed off as Jack and Ralph's scowls burned into him.

"Ralph, I got most of the equipment sorted out. Simon, you're carrying a stove and some tent poles, Roger, you're carrying the tent sheet if Jack's carrying the poles and pegs, Maurice, you're in charge of most of our food-" began Piggy, apparently oblivious to the clear tension that hung around the table, but broke off when Jack shouted: "Shut up, Fatty!" After being shushed by the librarian and stared at by other students, he turned to Ralph, whispering. "Why is _he_ , of all people, in charge of something and not me?"

"Because he's good at organising things. If you really want to have a role in this group other than whining, you can make sure we stick to our route card and make sure we get to camp on time. Alright?"

Seeing that this was the best that Ralph could do, Jack nodded curtly and mumbled "Thanks." under his breath. He kept quiet until the bell went to signal the end of lunch, then went off with Roger and Maurice, not bothering to help Ralph, Simon, and Piggy pack away the route cards, maps, and compass.

* * *

The two training days before the practice expedition had actually gone alright, with the exception of Jack's snide comments, which Ralph chose to ignore. They had managed to put a tent up (the instructor did most of it for them but they convinced themselves it would be fine on the day), and they had reached the checkpoints around the common without too much hassle (although Jack was being a massive prick the whole time). In spite of this, Ralph was pretty annoyed, because they were meant to be a team and work together, but it seemed like the group had split in half: with Jack, Maurice, and Roger on one side, and Ralph, Piggy, and Simon on the other. However, Ralph, sitting in the back of his mother's car getting closer to the starting point, pushed those thoughts to one side, as he realised that they would all have to communicate if they wanted to get to camp on time and with as little stress as possible.

Ralph's mother dropped him off at the tiny car park that was surrounded by a lush green forest and winding, earthy footpaths. She helped him put on his rucksack that probably weighed as much as one of the foals in the field of his holiday home in Devon, then sauntered off to chat with the other parents, who were milling around and waiting for their children to begin the expedition. Ralph found his group by spotting the mop of red hair upon the tall frame that towered above most people; they were stood under a cluster of trees. One of the instructors came over and registered them.

"Right, Group B, so you're all ready, then? Can I just check what you ordered?" she asked.

"Um...Yeah. We ordered two stoves and three tents." replied Ralph.

"Okay, follow me. I'll take you to the van and you can sort out who's carrying what."

The group followed, and lined up behind the other boys who were receiving their equipment. When it got to their turn, there was another instructor sat in the van, giving out the correct supplies.

"Who's the group leader, then? Don't worry if you don't have one."

"Oh, we do. Don't we, Ralph?" Jack smiled falsely, pushing Ralph forward.

"Great. So I'm guessing you have the compass and the route cards?" Ralph nodded. "Okay, you can pass these to your group and then you can go back and sort out who's carrying what." He peered at the piece of paper that had Group B's order written down. Once the boys were all carrying something, they went back to their place under the trees.

"Maurice, you've got most of the food, and you're also carrying the sheet and the pegs for your tent, if Simon's got the poles and a stove." said Piggy, to which Maurice nodded and replied: "Sweet."

"I'm taking the sheet and pegs and Ralph's taking the poles, as well as the map and a compass." Piggy continued, "So that leaves the last tent and a stove. Jack, you'll take the pegs, poles, and the stove, and Roger, you're taking the sheet." he handed the items out to the group, frowning at Jack as he snatched them from him.

Once the extra supplies were in the boys' bags, they were ready to set off. Ralph saw his mother in the crowd of parents, waving and smiling at him. Cheerily, he waved back, then quickly turned his attention back to the route. He was really eager to get this started.

* * *

The first checkpoint they had to get to was up a steep-looking hill. But the boys thought it would be fine. Well, four of them. Simon looked very pale and nervous, and Piggy began panting about two minutes in. Strangely, Maurice, who had been drinking from his hydration pack for most of the journey, strode ahead fiercely, an odd look in his eyes.

"Come on, guys!" he shouted, taking a slurp from his hydration pack as though his life depended on it. The others groaned; the weight of their backpacks slowing them down. Jack wiped the sweat away from his brow. "He's right, we can't stop if we want to get to the checkpoint on time."

Soon enough, their worst fears were confirmed. Piggy began wheezing and spluttering, scrabbling in his coat pocket for his inhaler. He shoved off his rucksack and sat on the grass. Ralph crouched next to him.

"Piggy? What is it? Is it your ass-mar?" Ralph asked worriedly, motioning for the other boys to stop. Jack gave him a dirty look. Piggy nodded in between chokes and lumbering breaths. Taking a couple of long drags from his inhaler, his breathing began to slow gradually. "I-I think... next time, we... ought to have... rests... when we go up... hills." he gulped. Eventually, Piggy said he thought he would be fine to go on, as long as they took it steady. He stood up and let Ralph help him put his rucksack back on. The boys began to trudge up the hill again, but they were very spread out: Maurice seemingly miles away, Roger and Jack not far behind, and closely followed by Ralph, who kept glancing back to check on Piggy, who was walking at the same pace as Simon.

At last, they reached the top of the hill, and the instructor waiting there told them that they were the second last group, eliciting an audibly frustrated groan from Jack.

"It doesn't matter, it's not a race. As long as you get to camp on time, you have nothing to worry about. Have a break, take in the view." she said.

The boys sat down, heaving off their rucksacks and using their raincoats as makeshift blankets. They reached into their bags for their snacks and took swigs from their water bottles. Maurice took out a third bottle and began to fill his hydration pack with it, his tongue poking out in concentration.

"Maurice, is that... _Mountain Dew?_ " asked Roger, mid-chew of a cereal bar, surprise marking his usually sullen face.

"Yep." answered Maurice, not taking his eyes off the luminous green liquid flowing into the opening of his pack. When he saw the boys' shocked faces, he looked confused. "What? It gives me energy. How do you think I managed to get up that hill? Plus, I like the taste." he said, reaching into his rucksack and pulling out a packet of Doritos. Honestly, the boys weren't surprised.

"Home-made flapjack, anyone?" Simon asked tentatively. Everyone accepted but Jack, who claimed to be 'full of sausage roll'. He also refused Ralph's unlikely offer of a chocolate digestive, which he looked sad to turn down. After taking a few more sips of their drinks, the boys put their coats and rucksacks back on, and began walking again. But a few hours and checkpoints later, they came to a field marked 'PRIVATE LAND. NO TRESPASSING'.

"I'm sure we went the right way. I've been checking the compass and everything- Hey!" Ralph cried as Jack seized the map from him.

"Give me the compass." he said, holding his hand out after a few moments of squinting at the blots of colour and lines on the page. Ralph wearily obliged. "Ralph, I think we were meant to go west. You've taken us... south. Because we're at this farm here," he pointed to the speck on the map, showing the rest of the group, "and we should be over here. We need to turn back on ourselves."

"Hang on a minute, Jack." Ralph said, reclaiming the map. "I think we're here, because the map clearly shows this line of trees, which is," he took back the compass, "north of us, so we need to face... east if we want to be back on track."

"No, we definitely need-"

"No we don't, Jack! I know I'm right!"

"I think I know how to read a map! I was in the Scouts!"

"I could have a look at it for you," Piggy butted in, "I was taught how to read maps by my auntie-"

"Oh, _sucks_ to your auntie!" Ralph growled. "Jack, give it here!" he shouted as Jack swiped the map from him once again.

"No, I know what I'm doing, so I should be in charge- What are you doing? Give it back, you arsehole!" Jack snarled, reaching for the piece of paper that Ralph was still holding on to. "It's _mine_!" he said, tugging at the map to try and release it from Ralph's grasp.

"I'm the group leader!" Ralph yelled, pulling it back.

"I don't give a-" Jack began, then broke off in horror as there was an awful ripping sound and both boys staggered back, no longer supported by the other's force. They had torn the map in two.

"Oh, well done." said Roger.

Just when they thought things couldn't get any worse, there came a huge crashing sound and the boys whipped round to see that Simon had fainted. Maurice worked the smaller boy's rucksack off and fished out his water bottle.

"Oh, shit." Jack said.

"Why don't we call the instructors? I've got the emergency phone in my bag, and I think this definitely counts as an emergency." suggested Piggy.

"Piggy, _no_!" Ralph gasped, looking mortified. The pure horror of the idea of using the instructors as a last resort made him go pale.

"Yeah, we'll be fine." said Jack, nodding assuredly, "After all, we're not delinquents. We're grammar school boys."

"Why don't Jack and I stay here with Simon and the rest of you go to the farm to ask for directions?" Maurice suggested, willing to separate Jack and Ralph, who were bickering like primary school children.

"Fine." said Jack. Ralph, Roger and Piggy went off to the farm and knocked on the door, which an old man opened.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Hello, sorry to bother you." Ralph said. "We had a little... mishap with our map, and we're lost. Could you please point us in the direction of this campsite?" he asked, pointing to the campsite that was marked on one half of the map.

The man looked at the map for a second, then gave them the correct direction.

"I knew I was right!" Ralph exclaimed once the boys were walking back to where Simon had fainted. When they returned, Simon had woken up and was sitting with Jack and Maurice.

"Jack, I was right." bragged Ralph, causing Roger to roll his eyes. "So, everyone follow me. How far behind are we?" he asked, staring at Jack as the three on the floor stood up, hauling their rucksacks on.

"An hour. We'll obviously be late to the campsite. Come on." Jack grumbled, clearly annoyed that Ralph was right for once.

Although the boys had been stopping every once in a while for a short break, it was clear that they were all irritated and miserable- even Maurice, who was usually happy and outgoing. At one point, Roger reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of stones that he had apparently picked up during one of their breaks; the area was very rocky. For miles, stones lay on the dusty earth and were wedged into the mud that was a stark contrast to the grassy, rolling hills they had encountered before.

"Roger, what on earth are you doing?" Simon looked close to crying as he saw that Roger was throwing the small pebbles at birds that flitted onto large boulders. He nearly hit one a couple of times; he would have, had they not seen him and flown away.

"Whatever." he shot daggers at Simon, but stopped tossing stones.

The group carried on in bitter silence, until Maurice suggested that they all sing to boost morale. He opened his mouth and began to sing one of the choir songs: 'Kyrie Eleison' until the other boys shouted "SHUT UP!" at him. He then proceeded to not so subtly hum the tune of one of his infamous mixtapes that he liked to send his friends at ungodly hours of the morning. He cut off abruptly when he saw Jack's face tighten with anger and his hands clench into fists.

The boys were about two hours away from camp, according to Jack, when another sheer hill loomed in front of them. Sure, there had been the odd incline, but none too serious, none that could trigger Piggy's asthma.

"We're going to have to get up this hill quickly if we want to make it to camp in time." Jack said, nodding towards the horizon, which was beginning to glow orange due to the setting sun. "What? We'll have a break when we get to the top? Why do you all look so annoyed?"

"You're being selfish, Jack. We need to walk slowly because of Piggy. All of us. If he has an ass-mar attack and you've all gone on ahead, it'll be difficult for me." said Ralph. Jack stared at them, peeved.

"Fine, we'll go slowly. We mustn't let anything happen to Piggy, must we?" he said scornfully, and ignored Ralph when he protested with "Jack, don't be a dick!"

"Let's just get this over with." muttered Roger. The other boys made some sort of half-hearted noise in agreement, and proceeded to climb the hill. Ralph stayed right next to Piggy, inhaler in hand, ready if his asthma made an unfriendly entrance. Wheezing, Piggy gestured for the inhaler a few times and stopped, taking a couple of puffs before deciding that his breathing was about as normal as it could get.

Eventually, they made it up the hill, where they stood or crouched or sat, panting and sweating.

"I'm sorry, I really think we should just have a drink and catch our breath and then move on." said Jack. For once, the others actually agreed with him. They all just wanted to go to sleep and face the next day. It was one more step to going home.

"Look at the beautiful view!" breathed Simon. He was right; the setting sun bathed the valley floor in a warm, golden-orange light that was the colour of copper. It illuminated the quaint houses that were scattered about the landscape. They looked tiny from the hilltop, as if they were part of a giant's toy set, who had decided to spread them out across a green carpet. But the rest of the group didn't see that; they just saw a flash of green and orange as they quickly turned their heads, then back again, grunting in vague appreciation. They were hungry and grumpy, and all they really wanted to do was keep walking again, even though it meant stepping on painful, raw blisters that had formed whilst tackling the English countryside.

"Come on." said Ralph, and they continued walking.

* * *

It was nearly dark when they reached the campsite. Of course, they were the last ones there, for which Jack looked incredibly embarrassed, muttering something about being 'not even fashionably late'. Most people were inside their tents, or rinsing their plates clean. Ralph's stomach growled, reminding him that the Rice Krispie cereal bars he had been munching on weren't enough to sustain him. He took off his rucksack in the spot his group had chosen for their tents, not really paying attention to what was going on. He was exhausted and starving, both of which caused him to frequently zone out.

"Did you hear what I said?" Piggy's voice.

"What? No."

Piggy sighed. "I said you need to take the poles out of your bag because we need to set up our tent."

"Okay, okay, no need to have a go at me!"

"I'm not-"

"Shut up."

Ralph fished out the poles, which were made up of smaller poles, held together by an elastic string. He began to snap the little rods together with force, evidently pissed off. He got even more annoyed when he saw that Piggy was fumbling with the tent sheet, trying to spread it out on the floor. The wind had other ideas.

"Right, we need to thread the poles through here, here, and here." said Piggy, trying to remember the short lesson they had on putting a tent together. Ralph fed a pole through its designated opening, whilst Piggy guided it through and made sure it didn't snag. All of a sudden, the rod became increasingly harder to push through. Ralph groaned.

"Ralph, it's nearly through. I just need a little bit more so that I can connect it to this bit."

"Piggy, I can't."

"Lemme see." Piggy bumbled over to Ralph, letting go of the tent and causing the part he and Ralph had been holding to fall over, taking Ralph with it. Even in the dim light, Piggy could see that he was fuming as he got up.

"Piggy! Now we have to do it again!"

"I don't think we do, we just have to-"

"Piggy, it's ruined! You ruined it!"

"Want some help?" Simon timidly asked. "Maurice and I have finished ours."

"Already? How?" Ralph demanded.

"It's really not that hard..." came the shy answer. "I can do the poles, if you like. You can peg everything into the ground." offered Simon.

"Thanks." said Piggy.

Ralph went over to his bag and ate another cereal bar whilst Piggy and Simon worked on the tent. It didn't do much to satisfy his hunger. He saw, with a sinking feeling of dismay, that Jack and Roger had also finished constructing their tent. He returned to his own.

"It was hard, but we did it." Simon grinned. "Now you just have to put the pegs through the little loops."

"Right. Thank you." Ralph said, then added: "It's pretty dark now. We should put our headlamps on. You brought one too, yeah?" Simon nodded.

Shoving the headlamp on, Ralph crouched to place the first peg in. Something looked off about the tent, so he studied it. A look of realisation and anger crept about his face.

"Oh, _shit_!" he shouted. " _Piggy_! You put the bloody tent inside out! We'll have to start again." he stormed over to Jack and Roger, who were apparently inside their tent, along with Maurice. He ignored Piggy's weak sounds of protest and hurt. Where else would he be? "You three!" he called, "Come help us with our tent, Piggy did it wrong." Before they could reply, he marched off, back to his tent that was once again a limp sheet on the floor.

When their tent was _finally_ up, properly this time, Ralph went back to Jack's tent. The three other boys had given him no help whatsoever, when he had specifically asked for it. He unzipped the tent door, not caring whether they minded or not, only to see that there was no one in there.

" _JACK_!" he screamed. Jack, Maurice and Roger came up to him a few moments later.

"What?"

"Where were you? I asked you to help with the tent!"

"We were just talking to Percival and Henry-"

"You could have been around to help us! We're a team, remember?" Ralph inwardly cringed at these words, but didn't show it.

"Why are you blaming this all on me? You can see who else I'm with, can't you?"

Ralph ignored him. "Don't you want to have tea? It's really late and we need to get stuff done."

"But we needed a break!"

"And I worked all that time with Simon and Piggy and you come back and don't even notice that we needed help!"

"I'll help you cook," Jack muttered, "before I sort out my sleeping bag."

"Don't bother." Ralph said, before turning back to his tent, with the aim of retrieving the stove from Simon, and whipped round when he heard a snicker. Maurice had turned to Roger; both were smirking but trying- and failing- to conceal it, and Jack looked a little sad, though mostly awkward. Ralph continued, taking the last few strides across the metre-long gap that separated his tent from Jack and Roger's.

"Got the stoves?" he asked Simon, who pulled it from his rucksack, then went over to Jack's, which lay outside his tent, and got the stove he was carrying. Piggy came up to them.

"I got the fuel. And matches." he said.

Ralph unscrewed the first stove, assembling it into a saucepan that rested on top of a gas burner. He poured the correct amount of fluid into the burner and lit the match, setting the liquid fuel alight. An awkward cough sounded behind him.

"I'll watch that for you. I'll light the other one, too." said Jack.

"Oh. Thanks. Yeah, that'll be good, I've got to-" Ralph pointed to the square building that served as a toilet, then got to his feet and headed over.

Jack's stomach rumbled, reminding him of how much he needed food. "I won't be gone that long..." he mused to himself, then crawled over to his rucksack, only to find that it wasn't there. He took off his walking boots, wincing at the pain as they scraped against his sore feet, then climbed inside his tent. His suspicions were correct: Roger had moved his bag inside to prevent it from getting damp. Unfortunately, the snack he craved most was wedged near the bottom of his rucksack, so he had a job getting it out. His mouth watered as he drew out a pack of sausage rolls. He devoured the first one, then thought it wouldn't hurt to have a second one. He stopped at his fourth, remembering that he had promised Ralph to watch the stove as it heated up. He put his shoes back on and made his way over to the stove, only to see a silhouette standing over the stove, looking as though it had its hands on its hips. He thought it was odd that the light from the stove wasn't illuminating the figure, so he looked down and saw-

"You let the bloody fire out." Ralph sounded furious. "We could have been eating now. Oh, you didn't even light the _other stove_!"

"I was so hungry." Jack protested, "I didn't think I'd be gone very long-"

"Well, you were! And we're all hungry. Couldn't you have waited? We could be eating now if it weren't for you." Ralph paused. "You and your sausage rolls, Jack Merridew! You and your snacking! We could have eaten-"

"Look, I'm sorry. About the fire."

Ralph just rolled his eyes. "Let's just relight it. And light the other one for the first time. Piggy!" he called, "Have you got the fuel?"

Piggy traipsed over. "No, one of the other boys has taken it. I think they want it to make hot chocolate."

Ralph groaned, becoming even more exasperated than he already was. "Get it back, then." Piggy left.

* * *

Their meal had been awkward, tense and silent. None of them felt the need to speak, for it had been an hour since they arrived at camp, and they just wanted to fill their bellies and go to bed, not to mention avoiding the obvious uneasiness that hung between Jack and Ralph. The only time any of them had spoken was to mumble a thanks when Ralph or Simon poured some rice into their bowls. Now, they had all retreated to their tents. Despite the strenuousness of the day, Ralph lay awake, flat on his back and only talking when Piggy tried to make conversation. He listened to the sounds of other voices carrying through the campsite, made audible by the thin tent walls. He felt the slight tug of sleep on his eyelids, and was just about to say goodnight to Piggy (partially just to shut him up), when he heard a familiar voice, though it was several octaves higher with imitation.

"...so annoying, he's all like 'Oh, Jack, I'm the best at reading maps so I should have it! Oh no, we're heading in the opposite direction! This is all your fault, Jack!' so I'm like 'Shut up, you prissy bitch, I spent five years in the Scouts so I know what I'm bloody doing.' He's so stupid. And then he's like 'Oh look at me, I'm so kind and generous because I'm letting Jack be the time keeper!' I mean, is that even a proper role?"

Ralph's face contorted in fury, the day's events enhancing his irritability.

"I heard that, Merridew."

"Good for you." Ralph hoped that would be the last he heard from Jack, but as he tried to get to sleep, he caught snatches of conversation coming from Jack and Roger's tent, dulled to whispers.

"arsehole...why is he the leader...agree, Roger?...you asleep? Oh...wake you...sorry...shouldn't be leading at all to be honest...such a dick..."

Ralph thought arguing would be pointless, seeing as they'd probably end up waking the whole camp. The instructors on site would not be happy.

As much as he wanted it, Ralph soon found that sleeping was proving more trouble than it was worth. For a start, Piggy had fallen asleep and was now snoring: sounds that invaded Ralph's ears and forbade him to rest. Secondly, there was a rather large rock underneath the tent that was digging into his lower back. As quietly as he could, he unzipped his sleeping bag, tentatively crawled out of it and turned around. The only problem with doing this was that he didn't want to wake Piggy, so he inched round bit by bit, pausing if Piggy shifted. Half an hour later, Ralph zipped the sleeping bag back up, only to realise that the rock was pushing into his upper back. He sighed. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Jack sure did a good job of pretending that nothing happened last night. He grinned and laughed as the boys shoved the tents into their bags and cleaned the pans after a quick breakfast of bland porridge, seemingly oblivious to Ralph's sour mood.

Their group was the second to leave; they had, surprisingly, packed up fairly quickly (they didn't say anything, but it was actually due to their eagerness to go home). No sooner than they set off, it began to rain. Although they had seen the grey clouds clumping together over the campsite and put on their raincoats as a precaution, the boys emitted a collective groan. Not only were they going to get cold and wet, but the map was now extremely difficult to read, thanks to Jack and Ralph's scuffle the previous day. Ralph had given it to Jack in a brief moment of compassion (idiocy), and now that Jack had it, he wasn't going to give it back any time soon.

Jack cleared his throat nervously. "I- uh- think we're..." he trailed off, knowing that if he said it, Ralph would go ballistic.

"We're what, Jack? Spit it out." Ralph looked pissed, so Jack mumbled something inaudible.

"Ithiwerlost."

"What?"

Jack sighed. "I think we're lost."

"I _knew_ I shouldn't have given you the map!" Ralph roared, furious. "How the hell could I have been so stupid? I thought I was being nice by offering it to you...wait- I thought you said you were in the Scouts for five years? _SO WHY ARE WE LOST_?"

" _Jesus Christ, Ralph, keep your pants on!_ " Jack yelled, an edge to his voice.

"I can't when you're being a _complete twat!_ " Ralph's usually pale face was scarlet. The rest of the group looked on, awestruck.

"Calm down, both of you!" Piggy, never one for fighting, attempted to stop the argument. He stepped forward as if to prise Ralph away from where he stood, which was dangerously near Jack, but shrank back next to Simon as Ralph's bloodshot gaze seared into his own, his face full of telltale signs of anger and sleep deprivation.

"Yeah, Ralph." sneered Jack.

"You're shouting, too!" Ralph protested, then realised that this was getting pretty ridiculous. His chest began to stop rising and falling so heavily and he looked round awkwardly at his friends, pushing his hair back. His flushed face began to return to its usual colour.

"Right... Sorry about that." he said to his friends, then turned to Jack. "Let's see." he said sharply, taking the map from Jack's firm grasp. After a few minutes of studying, he spoke again.

"Hmm. I'm not sure. Sorry, guys."

"Let me look." said Simon helpfully.

"Thanks."

"So I looked up the area before the expedition," said Jack, "and legend has it that these woods are haunted by a terrible beast."

"This isn't the right time for that." Ralph looked up from over Simon's shoulder and glared at Jack. "Anyway, that's a load of bullshit."

"Not what I heard. Story goes that people used to leave sacrifices to appease him, because they thought they'd be punished if they didn't." When Jack began to take off his rucksack, mostly for the relief of not having the excruciating weight on his back, Ralph turned and tossed his head back and groaned.

"Oh, you're really not going along with it, are you?"

Jack ignored him and signalled to Roger, who wasn't paying much attention to the map, handing him a stick.

"Sharpen it at both ends. Here's my penknife." he murmured and Roger nodded, taking the knife.

On hearing Jack unzip his bag and rummage around, Ralph whipped his head around again, causing the other boys to stop studying the map and stare at Jack's freckled face that was crumpled with determination.

"What the fuck, Jack?" Ralph cried. The other boys began to disapprove as well.

"Seriously?"

"It's not even true."

"Idiot."

Jack pretended not to hear them as he pulled a cocktail sausage from his bag and speared it with the sharpened stick. He then proceeded to plant the stick in the earth, made soft by the rain.

Ralph shook his head. "You're such a weirdo. Thanks for wasting our time because thanks to you, we're lost and it's raining and we just want to go home!" The others stirred, sensing another argument brewing between the pair.

Piggy chipped in: "We may stay here until we die."

"Morbid or what?" said Maurice.

"Well... we might. I mean, we're low on supplies, Jack's one lower because he just gave away one of his precious snacks to an imaginary beast," Jack scoffed at this, "and we're completely lost because we're not getting anywhere with the map, and... guys, I think the only option is to call the instructors." said Piggy, defeatedly.

"But- but-" Ralph looked like a fish out of water, his eyes wide and his mouth opening and closing. His face was ashen with shock.

"I think Ralph's trying to say that we've barely walked one mile." said Simon.

"And we won't walk any further if we don't call for help." replied Piggy. "Even if they just point us in the right direction, that'll be something."

* * *

"So you can't just point us in the right direction?" Ralph looked horrified.

"I just said we can't. You're way off the map."

Ralph looked as if he was going to cry.

"Surely-"

"You heard him, Ralph." Jack said, through gritted teeth.

"Hop in the van and we'll drive you back to where your parents are waiting." the instructor said. The boys had finally given in to Piggy's persuasion of letting him call the instructors with the emergency phone. Overall, two and a half hours had passed since they discovered they were lost- the first half an hour spent trying to find signal in the earthy, dense forest. The group half-heartedly walked into the van and, after placing their rucksacks by their feet, fastened their seatbelts and waited for the van to drive away, towards the end and towards their families.

No one spoke much during the bumpy journey that took just under two hours. Simon even slept, completely spent by the weekend of strenuous events.

"If only I had my phone and a Sharpie." Jack whispered to Maurice, who sniggered. They both earned a disapproving frown from Ralph.

The vehicle continued to wind down the dusty, uneven road, carrying them further with each turn of the wheels.

"Ralph! How was it? Don't tell me- you're going to sign up for silver as soon as you get back! Oh, and I bet you can't wait for the real expedition." Ralph's mother beamed as her son came towards her, mostly relief mixed with hints of fatigue and irritation marking his features.

"Yeah it was..." Ralph made a vague sound in response. His mother was too busy helping him get his rucksack off to notice.

"I'll carry this for you."

"Thanks."

Ralph felt his face: it was still red from the humiliation of having to stand with his group and smile for a photo as if they were all proud that they'd completed this great task. As if they hadn't been driven back. The rest of his group were just starting to scatter, returning to welcoming parents and open car doors, when Maurice's voice sounded.

"Oh my God, guys, it turns out I had a spare map in my bag! Haha! Silly me!"

If looks could kill, Maurice would have been dead five times over in that instant.

As Ralph climbed into his car, he caught Jack's eye. The red-haired boy was glaring at him. As if any of this was _Ralph's_ fault!

"When's the real expedition again, Ralph?" his father asked once he was settled into his car, with Ralph feeling somewhat comforted that he was one step nearer to an actual bed.

"Um, actually... I don't think I want to do the real expedition. I want to drop out. The practice bronze expedition was tough enough so I don't think I'll be able to deal with silver."

"What a shame..." his parents said in unison.

 _Not really_ , thought Ralph.

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you liked it! I feel the boys' pain, as I too have sadly been through the D of E experience, though not as bad as theirs thank god.**


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